rumah batu, pensel kayu.

jam lima – masih gelap – lap air mata – 

tangan memegang pensel – 

selak helaian kertas ada contengan rumah bentuk pensel.

aku mahu tinggal dalam rumah bentuk pensel.

chasing tomorrow in a haze of life.

when a pessimist wishes that tomorrow could wait for him,

an optimist waits for tomorrow.

when a pessimist waits for tomorrow,

an optimist chases tomorrow.

take me back to where i’m from.

being adult is not like what i thought when i was a little child. i want to be a child again. and forever. i rather cry because father don’t give me an ice cream while my brothers got one each than cry because i know the word ‘Unfair’ and feel the sharp pain as the Unfair bite my heart.

i’m not talking about didn’t get an ice cream.

but time, space and chance.

tammat.

aku datang ke Klinik Kesihatan Tampoi awal pagi ini untuk ambil darah. lagi. untuk tabung ketiga. beri darah sebenarnya. beri darah untuk doktor buat ujian. kali ini untuk menyemak kandungan mineral pula. aku pun tak faham kenapa tidak dibuat ketiga-tiga ujian serentak dengan menggunakan satu tabung sampel darah sahaja. supaya tidak aku bazirkan darah banyak-banyak sampai tiga tabung. orang cakap, jangan benci apa yang kita tak faham. aku tersetuju dan akhirnya, aku batukan diri. turut saja barang dikata. masa lapang membuatkan minda aku dengan tiba-tiba tumbuh suatu figura maya. tolonglah datang ke klinik hari ini. aku sudah muak menunggu. bukan kau. giliran.

sambil menunggu giliran, aku baca Gerabak Bersama Imaginasi dalam naskhah Bogel Menuju Tuhan. mungkin patut aku akur persamaan hujung cerita aku dan pemuda misteri ini dengan penutup catatan Gerabak Bersama Imaginasi. ah!

23.02.2014

09:00

tentang pemuda misteri di klinik tampoi yang siuman tetapi bikin aku macam tidak siuman.

sudah dua hari aku pulang dari klinik

dengan jiwa yang terdera

dan semangat yang cedera.

pulangnya aku

tidak lagi ditemani renungan matanya

tetapi ditemani tanda tanya.

mana dia?

#krik krik

miaww!~

saya gemar akan budak-budak. lagi-lagi yang jenis kecil molek bulat tembam comel lagi kiut-miut macam si qaid ni. geram sampai rasa mahu saja gigit banyak-banyak-banyak. hee, betullah macam phyca cakap. gemar boleh menimbulkan geram. eh? ke terbalik. geram boleh menimbulkan gemar? errrrr..apa-apa sajalah labu. =P


p/s: budak-budak tak comel jangan kecil hati. tak comel pun saya suka. meh ambil choki-choki meh? ^^

i have so many questions to ask you.

06.02.2014

i know you were watching me when i was waiting outside Room 15 to take my blood pressure reading and when i looked at you, you looked away. so, i just ignored. typical random situation, i guessed. i left Room 15 and entered Room 14. you're in there. watching me doing eye test. i tittered for i had no idea how to use the instrument. i stared at you for an answer how to use it but all you did was watching me. you did not speak. you did not smile. you did not utter a sound. you did not even blink your eyes. you just sat there watching me. i wonder if you are a ghost. are you?

my pulse were quite fast. the doctor told me to come back to the clinic at two post meridiem to take the reading again so that i can continue with blood test. what a surprise. you’re still there when i came back. after several times plus several ways trying to check my pulse including result from ECG electrode, the nurse still did not satisfy. rather faster. definitely, it was not because of you. it’s my normal pulse. i came here just to do a medical check-up but ended up having an appointment. not with you. with the doctor. but, let me assume it is with you. can i?

i waited outside Room 22, you're there. watching me. or at least that’s what i saw. i waited outside Room 19, you're there. waiting too. after seconds i entered Room 19, i saw the door’s opened. it’s you. you were everywhere, you know? why must you?

your blood pressure is low. just like mine. you said not a single word to me nor did i say to you. not even exchanged smiles. but, i hope our eyes spoke the same language. i heard you said “twenty-seven” when the doctor asked about your age. you don’t look like you from the south but you spoke Johor-Riau. where exactly do you come from? where do you live? i have so many questions to ask you.

09.02.2014

i came to the clinic again this very day for a blood test. with a hope you'll be there and an expectation you won't be there. guess what? hope won over expectation. with your unofficial JDT round neck cotton black t-shirt on. unfortunately, you were rushing for something. you did not stay at one place for long. worst of all, you looked nowhere but at your cell phone. hey, what’s your name? do you realize you looked like somebody named Ramlan. is Ramlan your name? even if it’s not, can i call you Ramlan, Ramlan? do you have a friend; somebody you hope to last your whole life, Ramlan? when will be your next appointment? please be on 19th. i have so many questions to ask you.

alam seterusnya.

kehidupan di alam akhirat ialah kehidupan yang sebenar.

bukan persinggahan. lebih kekal.

words. (partII)

ever since i was a kid, i sit like a boy, stand like a boy, walk like a boy, talk like a boy. generally, naturally act like a boy. people (usually girls) often get offended by the words i use. i don't know which part i went wrong. i hardly made friends with girls. if i have a chance to make things better, i don't want to restart my life over again and use proper words to please these people but to let them wear my own shoes and feel what is like to be me. i understand if there is too little people want to be friend with me. even if i were them, i don't want to. but, to be a good muslim is to mind your words and not to hurt the others. so, i guess i have to learn how to be a good muslim, anyhow.

do you see the phrase on that blue wall? without knowledge, you are nothing. good-day, everybody!

you keep your mouth shut and i will keep myself cool.

i'm so sure you don’t like to be told to do

what you are about to do.

i can tell you it feels like a dumb servant.

I've try to write but...............................

posted from Bloggeroid

we don’t get easily fooled after we see something with our own eyes. (part 2)

there is another person replied my comment. i replied his message not to make him understand because i knew from his first message that he knows the full story but intentionally telling lies. but i did it in hope i can tell the whole truth and shape the consciousness among other readers.

he : It is beyond idiotic to call this development. In truth it is the opposite- destruction. 

And do you seriously think it benefits the community?? The palm oil owners are filthy rich, the workers are hardly paid enough to eat on a daily basis.Their drinking water is polluted, the air is filthy of smoke from the factory,and from the constant burning of rain forest. These are natives that once lived happily of the land,consuming only what they needed for survival, and now they have been forced from their homes into servitude for a handful of disgusting Chinese capitalists that have bribed the forestry department to be allowed to cut down every last tree left standing. To be clear - it is not benefiting the community,not benefiting the people, and it is certainly not development. I spent the last month on Borneo talking to villagers, and seeing the destruction with my own eyes. 

I know they don`t teach you about this stuff in Malaysia...but take the time to open your eyes, and learn about how your country is failing its responsibilities to nature,and to its people.

me : and what do you do to make things better? wait! i'm so sorry but i think you've got me wrong. please read my comment for Ashok Joshi. of course, i despise those people who made the so called development in my own land. even though your comment is quite out of focus which is generally about the environment pollutions, they are true. and i’m disgusted with the way it happens. but what am i saying is about the purpose of this issue which is to talk down to palm oil.

sorry about my bad english. 'they are true' in the above sentence referred to the environment pollutions that happens in some places in Malaysia. not all the statements that the guy gave. anyway, it is certainly out of the question of this issue.

he : I guess I do what I can...I help spread awarness, I`ve contributed money towards campaigns against palm oil importers, I check the label of everything I buy to make sure there is no palm oil, I have been volunteering for animal charities...If people decrease their demand for palm oil products, and the "BIOFUELS" are made irrelevant then the general demand for Palm oil would be drastically cut,and there would be a chance of preserving what little is left of the forest.

me : so, what sort of vegetable oil will the local people consume and at the same time preserving forest? corn oil? flower seed oil? what oil? see, that’s the point. it’s not about WHAT we plant, but HOW we plant. when-exactly-did you live in borneo? for your information, we’re no longer do deforestation. what we do now is replantation. cut down old oil palms that are no longer productive, and plant the new ones WITHOUT CUT DOWN ANY SINGLE TREE IN THE FOREST. i’m sorry to say that you have to accept that your opinion is so last century. and about the biofuels that we made from palm oiI, i bet you’ll crawl to my country one day when the amount of petroleum left down there is not even one drop. from all your answers, beyond the shadow of a doubt i believe you are the ‘certain group of people’ that I mean.

you act like you really care about the forest. of course you care. care about the forest by denying human right. my country produce palm oil that is far cry cheaper than other vegetable oil on earth which be the most affordable vegetable oil to people in many poor countries and developing countries. by producing palm oil, my country can always help them. see, you don’t care about poor people because you're not poor (i believe) and you don't know how does it feel to be poor. in fact, you don’t even care about the forest. the thing is, you are afraid of your own shadow.

emak mesin masa.

sementara menunggu surat penempatan daripada kementerian, aku kerja sambilan. tak ada apa sangat pun. pereka grafik sambilan. cari pelanggan melalui internet. kira macam orang dulu-dulu ambil upah cuci baju dari rumah ke rumah la. tapi aku ambil upah rekabentuk grafik. emel ke emel. tak boleh nak kerja tetap. kenderaan tak ada. (alasan)

mak : kau buat apa tu? mesti tengok benda tak senonoh tu. bukak pintu ni.
aku : mak ni..fitnah tu..dosa..orang cari kerja la..
mak : cari kerja dalam bilik..?

blasphemy.

one evening, i texted my friend. my old friend.

me : have you ever read about magnetic pole reversal?

he : yes.

me : this is crazy.

he : there has been snow in indonesia. malaysia (must be snow) one of these days.

me : i don’t like snow.

he : i can’t stand cold weather.

me : the doomsday is coming.

he : yup.

me : i’m scared...

he : (you ought to) believe the doomsday.

"are you trying to be stupid? you’re not trying to be stupid? good. no wonder. you don’t have to try. you just be. of course i believe, you daft. otherwise, i’m not scared.". i nearly said that but i did not. 

me : but what do we do for the preppers?

he : plant dates.

me : ?

he : you search on google later. plant dates and the good things about it.

me : i’m talking about the preparation for the (life after) death. we don’t live (in this world) after this.

he : yup. it will explain. do find (the article) until you found it.

"you asked me to read and believe all those masonic ideas who believe the life after death will be in the same world as we live in right now? have you completely lost your mind?". instead of replied that, i grit my teeth and ended the conversation by shutting down google chrome window.

i had to read his texts twice maybe more for i couldn't believe my eyes. blimey! he's a Muslim! how could a Practicing Muslim man talked like that...? a Muslim who believe the doomsday but don’t believe the life after death as in Islamic way is no better than those who don’t believe the doomsday at all. i know i shouldn't let my anger grow up inside of me. i should help him. i must.

o’ Allah…is this what you call the fitnah of masih ad-dajjal...? help me please to help this friend of mine...

we don’t get easily fooled after we see something with our own eyes.

well, you read that title?

http://www.karenstan.net/2013/12/03/say-palm-oil/?fb_comment_id=fbc_185526978318521_294241_185556648315554#fbd2c330c

i said,  "there's nothing to do with palm oil. every development needs sacrifice. it can be thousands of birds lost their homes just to make way for your wheat fields. so, would you stop consume wheat after this?"

then, someone had replied, "its avarice not hunger that makes human to ravage animal kingdom,we can live happily without eating them or harming them."

Tanah Melayu is my only home. i would fight and defend for her in my very own way no matter how bad other people try to put us down. so, i told him "exactly true. but you’re really out of question. this issue is political. palm oil is quite cheap compared to other vegetable oil. there’s certain group of people made an issue of palm oil purposely and talk down to it. therefore, people would boycott palm oil and only use local products which might be olive oil, corn oil or flower seed oil. why don’t you see a picture of thousands of orang utans died in this article? in fact, the orang utans are accidentally killed one in a thousands times. i said, before they ‘care enough’ about the orang utans, they should first care about thousands of birds and lizards and snakes and whatever organisms that they had killed to make their corn fields."

the audience.

i have no idea why they came. oh..there is israel too. [?]

alright, forget that. you know what, Fafa? first, i thought "i write because nobody listen" though i realized not all audience are listeners. but when i look on the bright side, i actually have improved my communication skills. my Malay and English, spoken and written, little by little. there are several reasons why people write. i guess i want to talk about this someday.

talk to tell.

27th January 2017

my counsellor once told me that we can manage our emotion easily. all you need is a piece of paper and a pencil. just write down that naked bllsht on a piece of paper. tear it up and throw it away. easy. but for a long  period of time does it work?

once i thought i write because nobody listens. i write to let go of the mess that ive been through. to remove the chaos that live inside of me. the gangster. all i need is a gadget and the internet. type. and post. easy. again. does it work?

lets take a look at what have the readers done all this time? you. yes you that reading this. what have you done to make my world is a better place? what have you done to save me from drowning in this whatever ocean of traumatic chaos and chaotic trauma? at least..what have you done to console me? nothing.

look. if you write to gain sympathy from others...all you get is a ton of sht. because most people dont care. theyre just a curious fiction lover who steal ideas from other's suffering.

 

time makes me older and wiser. i guess. wiser. 

i think im back again now to write. to shape the consciousness about how important to be grateful despite of trial and tribulations. remember that there are always other people who face more difficult trials yet are still survive. think about it.  :)

words.

"Soft words soften the hearts

that are harder than rock,

harsh words harden hearts

that are softer than silk."

Al-Ghazali

i never question my parents for the person i am today. i can't blame them either. if i could blame them, surely they would blame their parents and their parents would definitely blame their parents' parents because every generation tends to blame the one before them. there is no end.  it will be like finding the original between an egg and a hen. it's only our own future that we would destroy if we just keep on arguing about our present and our past. so, throw out your last-year-full-of-crime calendar. today's the day. and mind your words.

assalamu'alaikum warahmatullah... :)

January sixteenth twenty ten.

Pusat Rekreasi Terenggun, Kuala Lipis.

Valium vs Salvador.

once upon a time, Valium replied my recent post. haha... you’ll see it when you scroll down this page. oops! it's been removed. it’s alright. let me tell you what the Valium had replied. it was just a link of a webpage and i randomly clicked to know what it is.

now tell me, venomous Valium. why do i need to consume this poison while i already have Salvador Dalí? what’s the difference? Salvador is drug. probably much better in many ways. hahaha… come on, Valium! you’re such a laugh! Salvador is already in the blood that running through my veins every time i need him. he’s the best friend of my alter ego if you’d only realize.