daripadaNya kita datang, kepadaNya kita pulang.

hari ini saya kurang sihat. otot belakang koyak. sakit. sakit gila.

dalam 30 hari sebulan, cuma satu hari saya sakit. jadi, tak adil saya pertikaikan pada Dia kenapa saya diberi sakit sedangkan 29 hari lain yang tak sakit tu saya tak bersyukur pun.....

of a photograph i've taken for a photo competition, that never meaning to send.

me : hello. pardon me, Mr. I'm-Too-Good-To-Reply-Student-Email. i'm so sorry if i failed to give you full attention as you wish. i just want to ask if i may send the Joint Photographic Experts Group file not through your gmail but facebook. it's a must for you to know that i'm super interested in Ringgit Malaysia Hundred for the multi platinum first prize.

he : well well, yo that's my name.

2009 is calling our names.

you know, when i first came to Cowboy Town, i told myself to trust nobody. because in Sorrow City (where i had lived for about 18 years), you're not to trust anybody. any-body. you put yourself in my position or you’ll get me wrong. i bet you’d have a house but no home. you’d have brothers but no family. if there's a person who can be trusted, it is yourself.

i never respect people before. i never loved. i didn’t even know how to love. my heart was completely cold.

time goes by.

we work and we sleep.

we sing and we shout.

we walk and we ride.

we stand and we sit.

we talk and we listen.

we laugh and we cry.

so, here we are. love is all about respect. and friendship is all about trust.

you said you won’t give up on me. look, i don't believe in promises. i don't want that. i just want you to love me day by day.

 remember this? you captured it. that was when we planned to jog and ended up wandering. :P

this eid must be the great eid.

i have got nothing to say. i just feel that this eid is great. i mean, perfectly great. so fantagrape! ya ya ya tell you what, when you have your parents' love, you want nothing else. promise you. plus, my Askar Wataniah brings me back my smile. see i can smile.

Paul Simon - Father and Daughter

If you leap awake in the mirror of a bad dream

And for a fraction of a second you can't remember where you are

Just open your window and follow your memory upstream

To the meadow in the mountain where we counted every falling star

I believe a light that shines on you will shine on you forever

And though I can't guarantee there's nothing scary hiding under your bed

I'm gonna stand guard like a postcard of a Golden Retriever

And never leave 'til I leave you with a sweet dream in your head

I'm gonna watch you shine

Gonna watch you grow

Gonna paint a sign

So you'll always know

As long as one and one is two

There could never be a father

Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition

It's just like goin' fishin'

You cast your line and hope you get a bite

But you don't need to waste your time

Worryin' about the market place

Try to help the human race

Struggling to survive its harshest night

kapir.

orang cerita pasal kuasa ajaib Allah, awak tak nak percaya.
awak kata, kuasa ajaib tidak wujud.
yang awak buat cerita harry potter tu, bukan kuasa ajaib namanya?
bila orang tanya macam tu, awak melenting.
awak cakap, kuasa ajaib itu sains.
tak alih-alih awak percaya kewujudan kuasa ajaib.
menggelabah...

kuasa ajaib Allah, awak tak nak percaya.
kuasa ajaib manusia, percaya.
inilah namanya penyakit buta hati.

apa pegang-pegang ni?? haram...!

transit aliran ringan terus bergerak setelah perutnya disumbat dengan tubuh manusia yang bermacam-macam rupa. macam-macam rupa, macam-macam warna, macam-macam bau. macam-macam fi'il. sampai di stesen Hang Tuah, 'dia' bersuara lembut.

"ok la. saya berhenti di sini. nanti ada apa-apa hal, contact ye. assalamu'alaikum."

"wa'alaikumussalam warahmatullah...", jawab tiga orang rakan aku serentak. nada ceria.

aku jawab antara nak dan tak nak. tak mahu ambil peduli, sebenarnya. aku pandang wajah seorang daripada rakanku, dia tersenyum-senyum. teringat aku pada kata-kata rakanku ini yang memuji kenalan lama aku tadi dengan kata adjektif yang manis-manis sewaktu aku membeli token. aku buat muka tegak.

"orang baik, dia ni...", seorang rakan aku yang lain tiba-tiba memberi usul.

"tengok muka pun tahu, dia ni orang baik-baik.", dia menyambung.

aku diam. tidak membantah usulnya itu. aku memilih untuk tidak bercakap ketika perasaan marah membahang dalam hati. dalam minda aku, macam-macam perkara berkisar. aku pandang tingkap gerabak tetapi mata aku tidak tertumpu pada cermin lutsinar itu mahupun bingkainya. mata aku berkeliaran jauh ke luar tingkap. aku nampak bayangan situasi macam mana 'dia' senggol sikunya ke bahu aku ketika bergurau di kaki lima tadi. macam mana 'dia' menepuk-nepuk bahu aku supaya aku tidak berasa tersinggung dengan gurauannya. 'dia' tarik pergelangan tangan aku untuk pulangkan syiling baki beli token. sepanjang berjalan pulang dari kedai pakaian ke stesen transit aliran ringan, aku rimas. panas hati.

"ini kali ke-berapa kau berdua berjumpa?", suara rakan aku yang seorang lagi memangkas bayangan peristiwa buruk tadi dari terus tumbuh. aku pandang wajahnya; cuba menyembunyikan apa yang aku rasa.

"ini kali pertama setelah lima tahun berpisah.", suara aku mendatar.

dia yang pada mulanya mengagak baharu sehari dua aku mengenali lelaki kacak tadi kelihatan terkejut dengan jawapan yang aku berikan. aku tidak mempedulikannya. aku sibuk melayan rasa kecewa. aku bertekad untuk tidak berjumpa dengan ‘dia’ lagi. kalau terjumpa? mahu aku tumbuk muka ‘dia’ tepat-tepat pada matanya. haaa.....

alahai...baharu beberapa bulan tinggal di kota metropolitan, sudah kau buang karakter budak sekolah pondok kau tu ya...manusia-manusia...........cepat benar masa mengubah kau.

p/s : kredit kepada alpijod.blogspot.com untuk foto asal.

itulah aku.

tepat satu jam lima belas minit lepas, dari waktu aku menaip, aku menelefon Akmal. sudah dua malam dia menelefon aku tetapi tidak aku jawab kerana telah tidur. aku keletihan mengerjakan urusan dunia yang entah apa hasilnya aku dapat. aku berborak dengannya dan cuba untuk tidak membuatnya tersinggung dengan kata-kata aku. jumlah jari aku termasuk jari kaki tidak cukup untuk menghitung sudah berapa banyak orang yang telah aku sakiti hatinya. tik...tok...tik...tok...tik...tok...tik...tok............ bunyi detik jam dinding membawa aku keluar dari ruang tamu. aku terawang-awang dan akhirnya aku berada di suatu tempat asing. di atas jalan. sunyi. yang berbunyi cuma denyut nadi dan suara hati aku terjerit-jerit.

aku pusing seluruh badan aku menghadap ke belakang. aku perhatikan semula jalan yang telah aku lalu. nun di hujung jalan, ada simpang. aku datang dari arah kanan. maksudnya, aku telah belok ke kiri. berdiri membatu di hadapan aku, sebuah bungkusan hitam. bungkusan itu berbau busuk. hanyir. airnya yang pekat melekit meleleh-leleh ke permukaan tanah. bungkusan itu bertali. talinya pendek. talinya mencerut mulut bungkusan tersebut dan hujungnya mengikat pergelangan kaki aku.

aku pusing semula seluruh badan aku menghadap ke hadapan. aku teruskan berjalan. kiri kanan jalan ada banyak orang. aku malu menyeret bungkusan hitam yang busuk itu sepanjang perjalanan dan dilihat orang. tidak seorang pun mengambil peduli fasal aku. jauh sedikit ke hadapan, ada Mak dan Ayah. apakah mereka tidak nampak bungkusan ini ada bersama-sama aku? berjalan seiring dengan aku, Kakfara, Syafiq, Ilham, Ajib. aku nampak Paan. aku nampak Inani. aku nampak cikgu-cikgu dan lain-lain yang tidak aku namakan. sedar atau tidak, daripada orang sekeliling aku itulah aku kumpul isi bungkusan ini. isinya dosa!

ya Allah.... sesungguhnya dengan kuasa dan kasih Kau sahaja yang mampu menghapuskan dosa-dosa aku ini ya Allah. oleh itu, ampunkanlah aku ya Allah.

This is your paracetamol. Take it, chew and swallow.

Wise says, "people will hate you, rate you, shake you, and break you. But how strong you stand is what makes you". 

 

It's your own principle,

and your own rule, 

make them strong,

 so they'll follow you. 

Be good to yourself. Put back your smile please.

=)

i try to be strong like kitty.

for a cat can hide her deadly weapon claws behind her cute face.

between u-turn and alternate exit.

01:03. Friday. so, yesterday must be Thursday. but Thursday told me that she was too sore and sick and weak and invisible to be appeared in my calendar yesterday. she was substituted by her clone named One-Of-The-Most-Disappointing-Thursdays.

i want to go home..................................................!
to my only one, The Creator. to return to innocence.





i kept my mouth shut and listened to every small matter, that actually matters. that i usually just push aside. and that's when i found myself in the wrong way. i am too far from home. i forgot the way to my own home. i'm alone. scared. and tired. the beat of my heart is miles worse than trash metal. i know i talked too much and listened a bit. i'm sorry.

so, i keep my eyes wide open and read every signal. should i take a u-turn to take myself back to where i'm from or should i just go on and drive through the alternate exit? a u-turn could make me clearer and fresher but can't challenge the time and energy i would waste.

i'm talking about life. it's not your fault if you don't understand. you're just too young to understand.

o' Allah...guide me to the straight path.

terima kasih, cinta.

deruman enjin Toyota Unser 1.8 LGX di perkarangan rumah semacam loceng penggera untuk aku yang leka mengemas di bahagian dapur rumah. aku menamatkan aktiviti. sisa-sisa minyak dan kotoran telah aku bersihkan. dua buah peti sejuk juga telah aku selenggara. tangan aku, aku cuci. aku keringkan. aku petik suis lampu untuk mematikannya. aku perlu segera buka pintu dan pintu pagar untuk emak masuk. terkocoh-kocoh aku tanggalkan selipar. pada masa itu, selipar tersebut terasa lebih sukar untuk ditanggalkan berbanding hari-hari biasa di mana aku tidak mengejar masa. habis terpelanting ke sana ke mari. namun, baharu tiga tapak aku jalan, emak sudahpun berada di hadapanku di ruangan pemisah antara ruang tamu dan dapur. 

"kau buat apa?", tanya emak.

"tak ada apa-apa.", jawab aku ala kadar.

emak masuk ke dapur. aku masuk ke bilik tidur. aku keluar semula untuk minum air jarang di dapur. di ruangan pemisah antara ruang tamu dan dapur, sekali lagi aku bertembung dengan emak. baju kerja masih pada badannya. emak pandang dapur, emak pandang aku semula.

"terima kasih...", nada suara emak rendah tetapi ceria. ada sekuntum senyuman mekar di bibirnya.

ucapan emak tidak aku balas. hatta senyumannya juga tidak aku respon. aku cuma diam. menahan rasa sebak. dalam tempoh dua puluh tiga tahun aku hidup, mungkin belum sampai dua puluh tiga kali aku ucap lima suku kata keramat tersebut pada emak.

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by, 
And that has made all the difference.

 ...

Perhaps you have seen this poem in literature book, or perhaps you not. I can't recall which form did I learn these before, as I aren't paying much attention back then. But somehow, lately.., the last three rows  in this poem keep haunting me, as if someone keep whispering.., again and again, by my ears...

And, here is me - googling back the poem while writing this.

No no no. It's not the ghost...nothing like that ever happen. 

It is me - the inner me, who is keep rebelling. How can I remember those words? me myself didn't know either. Perhaps my Mr. Brain did his job well in this situation. heh. 

Yes, I had took a wrong path before. Totally wrong path, or way, or road.., or whatever it should be called. It pretty much bothers me right now.
Actually it is not only now I regret, it is throughout the way. I kept hesitating, stopping and sobbing. How can me myself choose this cruel road - damn stupid me!

We have took a path together at first, we did found that diverged road and there, we parted the different way. I do love challenge road, really! but in the middle.., I realize.., it means nothing without you. Only because we can not do the same road, that stupid me made me neglecting you. 

Did you know? It is not only the empty gap which increasing amongst us, there is also the empty heart going along together. If only...yup...if only.., back then, I revealed down some of my ego...=.='

...

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 

Those words keep haunting me again!

I always hope, along my way.., that our road would meet again.., someday.
And there, we would happily going through this journey together - shoulder to shoulder.
Laughing at all bad memories. Keep singing and humming the same song. Act like nothing ever happen. 
 

Hey. You know what? while googling earlier, I also found this;

Is it a good sign? :)

reflect before be refracted.

i am Fantaghirò.

no no no you missed the point. not the beautiful part.

but the impatient, cruel, rebellious, disobedient.

sometimes i am tough enough.

sometimes i get weak. i get stuck. and i get lost.

but that doesn't really matter

'cause i live with my determination and courage.

i follow my instinct which makes me never be alone.

but then i see, my arrogant has stop people from loving me.

once again. i apologize.

met your other half, huh?

you can say what you want
but what do you want to say is nothing.

not reply any of my messages on cell phone

not pick up my call

pick up my call and say no words

ignore my private message on facebook.
that is not cool, stranger. terribly not cool.

i understand if you want no more conversations.

all rough and rude the way i am...........

i want a Jeep. and Ajib (my chum) ahaha..

nothing to say. my life is at its best. even i don't always have what i want, i  have what i need. because all need in this world is my parents.

mind the difference between in this world and in my life. when i say in this world, it means in this small, temporary world. of course i need god, religion, bla bla bla uh do you need a checklist? i hate miscommunication. i hate misunderstanding. i hate it when i say 'b' and people understand as 'd'. it's miles worse if they turn it upside down and see as 'p'. people scolded me for being act (as they said) and told me to afraid of god when i said i'm not afraid of anything. i told them, i never know god is a 'thing'. some people might be born to muddy the water, i guess. i hate it. i bet not one living soul could stand it. 

i'm not angry. i'm just a bird. i am free. ahahahahaha [?]

shall i call you 'mate' anymore?

people tell me to end the fright that clog me.

what more you worry about, you don't have a dream about her anymore.

yes that is what scares me so. i used to had a dream about her almost every single night. i'm afraid i don't even miss her. probably not love too. the mood all changed. i wonder whether we can be good friends like we used to, or so it seems. it's too paradoxical to say that i don't care about her no more while i'm still thinking of her.

i watch her sometimes wandering in the rain. i guess she just hide her tears. but her spirit is still as red as strawberries. that means she's alright anyway.

or so i wish.

perkara yang paling sukar mungkin sahaja melepaskan perkara lepas yang paling sukar.

aku letak jari kelingking sebelah kiri pada permukaan kekunci berlabel 'A', jari hantu sebelah kanan pada 'K', dan bersedia untuk meletakkan jari telunjuk sebelah kanan pada 'U'. aku cuba taip. ok aku berjaya. tapi cuma perkataan 'aku'. aku...aku...aku... aku genggam kedua-dua belah tangan dan meletakkan genggaman sebelah kiri di atas meja dengan genggaman sebelah kanan di atasnya. aku letak dahi aku atas dua genggaman tersebut sambil pejam mata. bibir aku, aku gerak-gerakkan mengikut lagu The Hardest Part nyanyian Coldplay. 

...and the hardest part was letting go, not taking part...

Media Player Classic Home Cinema terus memainkan muzik-muzik Coldplay dan aku terus cuba ikut menyanyi lagu The Scientist.

...come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry...

...tell you i set you apart...

...oh let's go back to the start...

...nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
oh, take me back to the start...

...don't speak as loud as my heart
and tell me you love me, come back and haunt me...

aku berhenti sampai tell me you love me. itu aku lama dahulu. lama sebelum rasa bersalah duduk dalam hati aku dan membakar hati aku macam asid. aku tarik nafas dalam-dalam. aku lepaskan. aku lepaskan bersama-sama ingatan peristiwa-peristiwa lampau yang gelap dan segumpal harapan aku yang tak rasional. aku tak lagi mengharapkan rasa sayangnya. apa yang aku harapkan adalah lebih besar dan jauh lebih berat daripada itu.

sebuah kemaafan.

aku rasa aku dan kau berbeza.

aku tak pernah beri apa-apa pada kau melainkan

keburukan dan kesusahan.

maafkan aku.

lemas sepuluh meter di dasar laut waktu.

dua puluh tujuh darjah celcius. malam legam. fail-fail muzik Enigma aku ketik. aku tala Sonic Gear. bunyi titisan air hujan bersama rhythm dan dram semacam suatu simfoni melankolik. entah perasaan apa yang membuatkan aku mahu membaca penulisan-penulisan lama dalam laman Aku Di Dalam Bekas Yang Kosong.  

*****************************************************

Ada perkara yang patut aku ubah untuk baiki diri ini...aku mahu jadi baik...aku mahu jadi baik...aku mahu jadi baik...

kalau aku dapat berubah...aku rela jadi seorang manusia yang skema...

bebas dari fikiran jahat....

jauh dari fikiran kotor...

terlepas dari kehidupan yang gelap...

MAAF...AKU BUKAN SEMPURNA...

*****************************************************

dia dua individu yang berbeza sepanjang aku kenal. seorang periang dan murung. aku kenal luar dalam dia. atau setidak-tidaknya itu yang boleh aku cakapkan. kalau waktu datang dalam dua siri, aku mahu humban jauh-jauh ke laut dalam siri yang pertama. siri sisi gelap. aku mahu satu kali lagi peluang. namun, akhirnya aku yang terhumban. aku yang karam. waktu telah bawa dia pergi jauh. aku yang termangu-mangu berfikir kenapa aku masih berada di titik yang sama padahal sudah lelah aku berlari.

gemar boleh mengakibatkan geram. juga boleh dikelirukan olehnya.

hari ini hari terakhir dalam minggu keempat aku berada ni SK LKTP Tersang 1. bermakna sudah satu purnama aku menyelami kehidupan sebagai guru di sekolah felda. mendidik anak-anak felda. hari pertama aku masuk ke kelas, murid-murid itu aku suruh mereka perkenalkan diri masing-masing di hadapan kelas. aku suruh mereka nyatakan nama penuh, nama panggilan, dan warna kegemaran masing-masing.

murid  |  warna kegeraman saya...ialah......

guru  |  apa yang awak geram sangat dengan warna tu? 

she ate capitalism all day.

You wanted to buy me 

For a hundred Euro 

You said you'd take me 

To your little car 

Your friend lived near by 

He had a house and all 

Where was I from, you said 

You guessed Yugoslavia 

Well it's not Yugoslavia 

It's not Yugoslavia at all 

It reminded me 

Of a movie I just saw 

About a little girl 

From Yugoslavia 

She got sent away 

They made her prostitute 

She ate McDonald's all day 

And never had a chance to play 

Lyla...Lyla...Lyla...

You wanted to buy me 

For a hundred Euro 

You said you'd take me 

To your little car 

Your friend lived near by 

He had a house and all 

Where was I from, you said 

You guessed Yugoslavia 

But it's not Yugoslavia 

It's hardly Yugoslavia at all 

Lyla...Lyla...Lyla...

she ate capitalism all day. capitalism was just her potato chips that she ate everyday whether she liked it or not. but of course, no sane man would like it. i used to eat the unfairness, curse, hatred just like rice. at home. oh wait, it wasn't really a home. it was just a house.

wise men say, blood is thicker than water. i don't agree. well, i'm not a scientist, you see. i don't read the same types of books like scientists do. i read my own experiences. that is why i don't agree. i've tried and i know i can't.

you people, life must go on though you have to drink your own tears and blood just to survive. you can question. as much as you want. but nobody can promise you there is an answer. so, stop questioning. love yourself.

p/s :

Song : Lyla

Artist : CocoRosie

1st photo : Asiah

2nd & 3rd photos : Google