i try to be strong like kitty.

for a cat can hide her deadly weapon claws behind her cute face.

between u-turn and alternate exit.

01:03. Friday. so, yesterday must be Thursday. but Thursday told me that she was too sore and sick and weak and invisible to be appeared in my calendar yesterday. she was substituted by her clone named One-Of-The-Most-Disappointing-Thursdays.

i want to go home..................................................!
to my only one, The Creator. to return to innocence.





i kept my mouth shut and listened to every small matter, that actually matters. that i usually just push aside. and that's when i found myself in the wrong way. i am too far from home. i forgot the way to my own home. i'm alone. scared. and tired. the beat of my heart is miles worse than trash metal. i know i talked too much and listened a bit. i'm sorry.

so, i keep my eyes wide open and read every signal. should i take a u-turn to take myself back to where i'm from or should i just go on and drive through the alternate exit? a u-turn could make me clearer and fresher but can't challenge the time and energy i would waste.

i'm talking about life. it's not your fault if you don't understand. you're just too young to understand.

o' Allah...guide me to the straight path.

terima kasih, cinta.

deruman enjin Toyota Unser 1.8 LGX di perkarangan rumah semacam loceng penggera untuk aku yang leka mengemas di bahagian dapur rumah. aku menamatkan aktiviti. sisa-sisa minyak dan kotoran telah aku bersihkan. dua buah peti sejuk juga telah aku selenggara. tangan aku, aku cuci. aku keringkan. aku petik suis lampu untuk mematikannya. aku perlu segera buka pintu dan pintu pagar untuk emak masuk. terkocoh-kocoh aku tanggalkan selipar. pada masa itu, selipar tersebut terasa lebih sukar untuk ditanggalkan berbanding hari-hari biasa di mana aku tidak mengejar masa. habis terpelanting ke sana ke mari. namun, baharu tiga tapak aku jalan, emak sudahpun berada di hadapanku di ruangan pemisah antara ruang tamu dan dapur. 

"kau buat apa?", tanya emak.

"tak ada apa-apa.", jawab aku ala kadar.

emak masuk ke dapur. aku masuk ke bilik tidur. aku keluar semula untuk minum air jarang di dapur. di ruangan pemisah antara ruang tamu dan dapur, sekali lagi aku bertembung dengan emak. baju kerja masih pada badannya. emak pandang dapur, emak pandang aku semula.

"terima kasih...", nada suara emak rendah tetapi ceria. ada sekuntum senyuman mekar di bibirnya.

ucapan emak tidak aku balas. hatta senyumannya juga tidak aku respon. aku cuma diam. menahan rasa sebak. dalam tempoh dua puluh tiga tahun aku hidup, mungkin belum sampai dua puluh tiga kali aku ucap lima suku kata keramat tersebut pada emak.

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by, 
And that has made all the difference.

 ...

Perhaps you have seen this poem in literature book, or perhaps you not. I can't recall which form did I learn these before, as I aren't paying much attention back then. But somehow, lately.., the last three rows  in this poem keep haunting me, as if someone keep whispering.., again and again, by my ears...

And, here is me - googling back the poem while writing this.

No no no. It's not the ghost...nothing like that ever happen. 

It is me - the inner me, who is keep rebelling. How can I remember those words? me myself didn't know either. Perhaps my Mr. Brain did his job well in this situation. heh. 

Yes, I had took a wrong path before. Totally wrong path, or way, or road.., or whatever it should be called. It pretty much bothers me right now.
Actually it is not only now I regret, it is throughout the way. I kept hesitating, stopping and sobbing. How can me myself choose this cruel road - damn stupid me!

We have took a path together at first, we did found that diverged road and there, we parted the different way. I do love challenge road, really! but in the middle.., I realize.., it means nothing without you. Only because we can not do the same road, that stupid me made me neglecting you. 

Did you know? It is not only the empty gap which increasing amongst us, there is also the empty heart going along together. If only...yup...if only.., back then, I revealed down some of my ego...=.='

...

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 

Those words keep haunting me again!

I always hope, along my way.., that our road would meet again.., someday.
And there, we would happily going through this journey together - shoulder to shoulder.
Laughing at all bad memories. Keep singing and humming the same song. Act like nothing ever happen. 
 

Hey. You know what? while googling earlier, I also found this;

Is it a good sign? :)