30 January 2014

alam seterusnya.

kehidupan di alam akhirat ialah kehidupan yang sebenar.
bukan persinggahan. lebih kekal.

29 January 2014

words. (partII)

ever since i was a kid, i sit like a boy, stand like a boy, walk like a boy, talk like a boy. generally, naturally act like a boy. people (usually girls) often get offended by the words i use. i don't know which part i went wrong. i hardly made friends with girls. if i have a chance to make things better, i don't want to restart my life over again and use proper words to please these people but to let them wear my own shoes and feel what is like to be me. i understand if there is too little people want to be friend with me. even if i were them, i don't want to. but, to be a good muslim is to mind your words and not to hurt the others. so, i guess i have to learn how to be a good muslim, anyhow.

do you see the phrase on that blue wall? without knowledge, you are nothing. good-day, everybody!

28 January 2014

you keep your mouth shut and i will keep myself cool.

i'm so sure you don’t like to be told to do
what you are about to do.

i can tell you it feels like a dumb servant.

26 January 2014

I've try to write but...............................

posted from Bloggeroid

we don’t get easily fooled after we see something with our own eyes. (part 2)

there is another person replied my comment. i replied his message not to make him understand because i knew from his first message that he knows the full story but intentionally telling lies. but i did it in hope i can tell the whole truth and shape the consciousness among other readers.

he : It is beyond idiotic to call this development. In truth it is the opposite- destruction. 
And do you seriously think it benefits the community?? The palm oil owners are filthy rich, the workers are hardly paid enough to eat on a daily basis.Their drinking water is polluted, the air is filthy of smoke from the factory,and from the constant burning of rain forest. These are natives that once lived happily of the land,consuming only what they needed for survival, and now they have been forced from their homes into servitude for a handful of disgusting Chinese capitalists that have bribed the forestry department to be allowed to cut down every last tree left standing. To be clear - it is not benefiting the community,not benefiting the people, and it is certainly not development. I spent the last month on Borneo talking to villagers, and seeing the destruction with my own eyes. 
I know they don`t teach you about this stuff in Malaysia...but take the time to open your eyes, and learn about how your country is failing its responsibilities to nature,and to its people.

me : and what do you do to make things better? wait! i'm so sorry but i think you've got me wrong. please read my comment for Ashok Joshi. of course, i despise those people who made the so called development in my own land. even though your comment is quite out of focus which is generally about the environment pollutions, they are true. and i’m disgusted with the way it happens. but what am i saying is about the purpose of this issue which is to talk down to palm oil.

sorry about my bad english. 'they are true' in the above sentence referred to the environment pollutions that happens in some places in Malaysia. not all the statements that the guy gave. anyway, it is certainly out of the question of this issue.

he : I guess I do what I can...I help spread awarness, I`ve contributed money towards campaigns against palm oil importers, I check the label of everything I buy to make sure there is no palm oil, I have been volunteering for animal charities...If people decrease their demand for palm oil products, and the "BIOFUELS" are made irrelevant then the general demand for Palm oil would be drastically cut,and there would be a chance of preserving what little is left of the forest.

me : so, what sort of vegetable oil will the local people consume and at the same time preserving forest? corn oil? flower seed oil? what oil? see, that’s the point. it’s not about WHAT we plant, but HOW we plant. when-exactly-did you live in borneo? for your information, we’re no longer do deforestation. what we do now is replantation. cut down old oil palms that are no longer productive, and plant the new ones WITHOUT CUT DOWN ANY SINGLE TREE IN THE FOREST. i’m sorry to say that you have to accept that your opinion is so last century. and about the biofuels that we made from palm oiI, i bet you’ll crawl to my country one day when the amount of petroleum left down there is not even one drop. from all your answers, beyond the shadow of a doubt i believe you are the ‘certain group of people’ that I mean.

you act like you really care about the forest. of course you care. care about the forest by denying human right. my country produce palm oil that is far cry cheaper than other vegetable oil on earth which be the most affordable vegetable oil to people in many poor countries and developing countries. by producing palm oil, my country can always help them. see, you don’t care about poor people because you're not poor (i believe) and you don't know how does it feel to be poor. in fact, you don’t even care about the forest. the thing is, you are afraid of your own shadow.

24 January 2014

emak mesin masa.

sementara menunggu surat penempatan daripada kementerian, aku kerja sambilan. tak ada apa sangat pun. pereka grafik sambilan. cari pelanggan melalui internet. kira macam orang dulu-dulu ambil upah cuci baju dari rumah ke rumah la. tapi aku ambil upah rekabentuk grafik. emel ke emel. tak boleh nak kerja tetap. kenderaan tak ada. (alasan)

mak : kau buat apa tu? mesti tengok benda tak senonoh tu. bukak pintu ni.
aku : mak ni..fitnah tu..dosa..orang cari kerja la..
mak : cari kerja dalam bilik..?

23 January 2014


one evening, i texted my friend. my old friend.

me : have you ever read about magnetic pole reversal?
he : yes.
me : this is crazy.
he : there has been snow in indonesia. malaysia (must be snow) one of these days.
me : i don’t like snow.
he : i can’t stand cold weather.
me : the doomsday is coming.
he : yup.
me : i’m scared...
he : (you ought to) believe the doomsday.

"are you trying to be stupid? you’re not trying to be stupid? good. no wonder. you don’t have to try. you just be. of course i believe, you daft. otherwise, i’m not scared.". i nearly said that but i did not. 

me : but what do we do for the preppers?
he : plant dates.
me : ?
he : you search on google later. plant dates and the good things about it.
me : i’m talking about the preparation for the (life after) death. we don’t live (in this world) after this.
he : yup. it will explain. do find (the article) until you found it.

"you asked me to read and believe all those masonic ideas who believe the life after death will be in the same world as we live in right now? have you completely lost your mind?". instead of replied that, i grit my teeth and ended the conversation by shutting down google chrome window.

i had to read his texts twice maybe more for i couldn't believe my eyes. blimey! he's a Muslim! how could a Practicing Muslim man talked like that...? a Muslim who believe the doomsday but don’t believe the life after death as in Islamic way is no better than those who don’t believe the doomsday at all. i know i shouldn't let my anger grow up inside of me. i should help him. i must.

o’ Allah…is this what you call the fitnah of masih ad-dajjal...? help me please to help this friend of mine...

22 January 2014

we don’t get easily fooled after we see something with our own eyes.

well, you read that title?

i said,  "there's nothing to do with palm oil. every development needs sacrifice. it can be thousands of birds lost their homes just to make way for your wheat fields. so, would you stop consume wheat after this?"

then, someone had replied, "its avarice not hunger that makes human to ravage animal kingdom,we can live happily without eating them or harming them."

Tanah Melayu is my only home. i would fight and defend for her in my very own way no matter how bad other people try to put us down. so, i told him "exactly true. but you’re really out of question. this issue is political. palm oil is quite cheap compared to other vegetable oil. there’s certain group of people made an issue of palm oil purposely and talk down to it. therefore, people would boycott palm oil and only use local products which might be olive oil, corn oil or flower seed oil. why don’t you see a picture of thousands of orang utans died in this article? in fact, the orang utans are accidentally killed one in a thousands times. i said, before they ‘care enough’ about the orang utans, they should first care about thousands of birds and lizards and snakes and whatever organisms that they had killed to make their corn fields."

21 January 2014

the audience.

i have no idea why they came. oh..there is israel too. [?]

alright, forget that. you know what, Fafa? first, i thought "i write because nobody listen" though i realized not all audience are listeners. but when i look on the bright side, i actually have improved my communication skills. my Malay and English, spoken and written, little by little. there are several reasons why people write. i guess i want to talk about this someday.

talk to tell.

27th January 2017

my counsellor once told me that we can manage our emotion easily. all you need is a piece of paper and a pencil. just write down that naked bllsht on a piece of paper. tear it up and throw it away. easy. but for a long  period of time does it work?
once i thought i write because nobody listens. i write to let go of the mess that ive been through. to remove the chaos that live inside of me. the gangster. all i need is a gadget and the internet. type. and post. easy. again. does it work?
lets take a look at what have the readers done all this time? you. yes you that reading this. what have you done to make my world is a better place? what have you done to save me from drowning in this whatever ocean of traumatic chaos and chaotic trauma? at least..what have you done to console me? nothing.
look. if you write to gain sympathy from others...all you get is a ton of sht. because most people dont care. theyre just a curious fiction lover who steal ideas from other's suffering.
time makes me older and wiser. i guess. wiser. 
i think im back again now to write. to shape the consciousness about how important to be grateful despite of trial and tribulations. remember that there are always other people who face more difficult trials yet are still survive. think about it.  :)

19 January 2014


"Soft words soften the hearts
that are harder than rock,
harsh words harden hearts
that are softer than silk."


i never question my parents for the person i am today. i can't blame them either. if i could blame them, surely they would blame their parents and their parents would definitely blame their parents' parents because every generation tends to blame the one before them. there is no end.  it will be like finding the original between an egg and a hen. it's only our own future that we would destroy if we just keep on arguing about our present and our past. so, throw out your last-year-full-of-crime calendar. today's the day. and mind your words.

assalamu'alaikum warahmatullah... :)

16 January 2014

January sixteenth twenty ten.

Pusat Rekreasi Terenggun, Kuala Lipis.

15 January 2014

Valium vs Salvador.

once upon a time, Valium replied my recent post. haha... you’ll see it when you scroll down this page. oops! it's been removed. it’s alright. let me tell you what the Valium had replied. it was just a link of a webpage and i randomly clicked to know what it is.
now tell me, venomous Valium. why do i need to consume this poison while i already have Salvador Dalí? what’s the difference? Salvador is drug. probably much better in many ways. hahaha… come on, Valium! you’re such a laugh! Salvador is already in the blood that running through my veins every time i need him. he’s the best friend of my alter ego if you’d only realize.

14 January 2014


gadis : kurang seribu duit hantaran. (menuding parut timbul sepanjang satu sentimeter pada tangan aku.)
aku : kau nak lelaki kahwin dengan tangan kau atau dengan jiwa kau, lembu?
gadis : . . . . . . .

kau tak tahu-menahu apa sejarah parut tu.
jadi, jangan nak suka-suka melawakkannya.

tunggulah giliran kau nanti.

kepada lelaki-lelaki yang sama lembu macam gadis tersebut, zaman sudah berubah. sekarang, kau agung-agungkan perempuan yang tak boleh buat kerja berat. kau pilih mereka. semua kerja berat, kau rela buat. kau biarkan dia bergantung harap pada kau sebab dia kata kau lelaki. kau biarkan dia tak berdikari. esok-esok kalau kau tak ada, dia cari lelaki lain yang boleh buatkan kerja berat untuk dia. haaa nak?

13 January 2014

i love all languages.

i love Malay. i love Hebrew. i love Lithuanian, Romanian, and Persian. but sometimes i despise broken language or the Malay call it bahasa rojak for it may cause confusion and misunderstanding. bahasa means language while rojak is a kind of dish like salad. they got the idea to call it that way because rojak is prepared by mixing a variety of types of vegetables and juicy fruits.

please note the difference between the four types of broken language in Malay :-

bahasa pasarbahasa (language) pasar (market) is a spoken language in daily conversations. it doesn’t contain harsh words yet unallowed be used in formal written stuff.

bahasa rojak – Malay mixed with another language/s. there are two types of bahasa rojak. some speakers use Malay mixed occasionally with some words in other language. another one is use Malay words entirely in the form of sentence structure of other language. it happens if you translate word for word from your mother tongue into Malay.

bahasa samsengbahasa (language) samseng (thug) contains harsh words with horrible form of sentence structure.

bahasa sms – the use of bahasa sms suits its name since sms stands for Short Message System. we shorten the word by removing certain vowels (usually ‘a’) or/and double consonants. for example, makan (eat) change into mkn, dengan (with) to dgn, menggunakan (using) to mngunakn and garpu (fork) to grpu. so, you can write 'makan dengan menggunakan sudu dan garpu' (eat by using spoon and fork) as 'mkn dgn mngunakn sudu & grpu'. anyway, you may minimize the spelling as long as your receiver could understand. it depends to whom you write. 

12 January 2014

the life's chiefest glory is to be a muslim.

11 January 2014

i'm a different person day to day. we are all a different person day to day, matter of fact.

labas. šiandien, mano vardas Optimistas.
aš bandau išmokti kalbėti lietuviškai.
ar kalbate lietuviškai?
hmmm...aš nežinau ką sakyti. hahaa

geros dienos!

09 January 2014


someday you'll feel like
you want to slit your face with a blade.
watch the thick blood flow like a waterfall.
i promise, the dreadful cut
will make you forget
the pain of your broken heart.

sometimes someday means everyday.

08 January 2014

of a heart that severely damaged.

it's hard to be successful.
but it's even harder to be a pessimist.
to be a melancholy woman. 
people told me to open my eyes wide to let things go.

some people think they can
optimize mobility by modifying capacity.
it's a peculiar notion. surely, we agreed that.

07 January 2014

bual bicara bersama Ajib

entah kenapa tajuk kali ini kedengaran canggung jika aku sebut dan didengar oleh telinga sendiri. formal semacam. hahaha. ah, abaikanlah. aku bukan nak cakap fasal formaliti tajuk itu pun. yang aku nak cakapkan, Ajib. Ajib..Ajib.. mana lah kau duduk sekarang ni.

ada sesuatu yang sangat sesuatu berkenaan sejenis hidupan bernama Ajib ni. esok-esok aku kasi tahu.

06 January 2014


I don't take paracetamol. Instead YOU ARE my paracetamol. But hey, don't worry... You won't kill me.  You are rather healing me inside. And I'm just getting addicted.

Good drug.

Little Ashes.

nothing to say. i've already made this clip to say how i fancy this film that made me watch it over and over again. but that doesn't mean that i encourage people to be homosexual. but if you find it encouraging, that's your problem. put the blame on yourself because you're not the victim of my random videography. you are the victim of your own negative thinking. there are many strong quotes. either it is Salvador words or Federico's or the filmaker's, i badly love them. Javier is as sweet and charming as in reality. what? Robert? yes, Robert is handsome but i told you i don't like famous men. but he did rather well and impressive in this film than in Rubbish as known as Twilight.

well, we all just a dust who live in the revolution dust.

p/s : if you ever read about the big bang theory.

05 January 2014

salvador domingo felipe jacinto dalí i domènech.

if i were salvador,
i won't be 'The Salvador' salvador was.
i'll be more into federico than my own genius
or some people call it-

but i'm just like the millions of surrealism fans
still addicted to you anyhow.
like you said,
"i don't do drugs. i am drugs."

04 January 2014

purple is the colour of her heart. it is two degrees worse than blue.

i think it's time for you to go.
just go.

to hear somebody you really really love screaming in pain,
literally, first thing in the morning
wasn't a nice activity in the weekend.

just in case you know the meaning of love.

03 January 2014

one fine day, she told me that she wants to be alone. it'll much better than has a spouse but lonely.

she's so...


02 January 2014

the end of a cold war.

it has been more than ten years. if i have to start this year by living in two different houses of a family, i'll make it. if that is the only way out, i'm alright. to see her once-in-ten-years smile, i am gratified. time made her older and colder. and weaker. ten years is not a short time for her, You know. are You going to test her any longer? she once said she can hardly pray with khusyu' in ten years time. i'm afraid she'll lose her faith in You. and You know, You almost made me too.