i try to be strong like kitty.

for a cat can hide her deadly weapon claws behind her cute face.

between u-turn and alternate exit.

01:03. Friday. so, yesterday must be Thursday. but Thursday told me that she was too sore and sick and weak and invisible to be appeared in my calendar yesterday. she was substituted by her clone named One-Of-The-Most-Disappointing-Thursdays.

i want to go home..................................................!
to my only one, The Creator. to return to innocence.





i kept my mouth shut and listened to every small matter, that actually matters. that i usually just push aside. and that's when i found myself in the wrong way. i am too far from home. i forgot the way to my own home. i'm alone. scared. and tired. the beat of my heart is miles worse than trash metal. i know i talked too much and listened a bit. i'm sorry.

so, i keep my eyes wide open and read every signal. should i take a u-turn to take myself back to where i'm from or should i just go on and drive through the alternate exit? a u-turn could make me clearer and fresher but can't challenge the time and energy i would waste.

i'm talking about life. it's not your fault if you don't understand. you're just too young to understand.

o' Allah...guide me to the straight path.

terima kasih, cinta.

deruman enjin Toyota Unser 1.8 LGX di perkarangan rumah semacam loceng penggera untuk aku yang leka mengemas di bahagian dapur rumah. aku menamatkan aktiviti. sisa-sisa minyak dan kotoran telah aku bersihkan. dua buah peti sejuk juga telah aku selenggara. tangan aku, aku cuci. aku keringkan. aku petik suis lampu untuk mematikannya. aku perlu segera buka pintu dan pintu pagar untuk emak masuk. terkocoh-kocoh aku tanggalkan selipar. pada masa itu, selipar tersebut terasa lebih sukar untuk ditanggalkan berbanding hari-hari biasa di mana aku tidak mengejar masa. habis terpelanting ke sana ke mari. namun, baharu tiga tapak aku jalan, emak sudahpun berada di hadapanku di ruangan pemisah antara ruang tamu dan dapur. 

"kau buat apa?", tanya emak.

"tak ada apa-apa.", jawab aku ala kadar.

emak masuk ke dapur. aku masuk ke bilik tidur. aku keluar semula untuk minum air jarang di dapur. di ruangan pemisah antara ruang tamu dan dapur, sekali lagi aku bertembung dengan emak. baju kerja masih pada badannya. emak pandang dapur, emak pandang aku semula.

"terima kasih...", nada suara emak rendah tetapi ceria. ada sekuntum senyuman mekar di bibirnya.

ucapan emak tidak aku balas. hatta senyumannya juga tidak aku respon. aku cuma diam. menahan rasa sebak. dalam tempoh dua puluh tiga tahun aku hidup, mungkin belum sampai dua puluh tiga kali aku ucap lima suku kata keramat tersebut pada emak.

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by, 
And that has made all the difference.

 ...

Perhaps you have seen this poem in literature book, or perhaps you not. I can't recall which form did I learn these before, as I aren't paying much attention back then. But somehow, lately.., the last three rows  in this poem keep haunting me, as if someone keep whispering.., again and again, by my ears...

And, here is me - googling back the poem while writing this.

No no no. It's not the ghost...nothing like that ever happen. 

It is me - the inner me, who is keep rebelling. How can I remember those words? me myself didn't know either. Perhaps my Mr. Brain did his job well in this situation. heh. 

Yes, I had took a wrong path before. Totally wrong path, or way, or road.., or whatever it should be called. It pretty much bothers me right now.
Actually it is not only now I regret, it is throughout the way. I kept hesitating, stopping and sobbing. How can me myself choose this cruel road - damn stupid me!

We have took a path together at first, we did found that diverged road and there, we parted the different way. I do love challenge road, really! but in the middle.., I realize.., it means nothing without you. Only because we can not do the same road, that stupid me made me neglecting you. 

Did you know? It is not only the empty gap which increasing amongst us, there is also the empty heart going along together. If only...yup...if only.., back then, I revealed down some of my ego...=.='

...

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 

Those words keep haunting me again!

I always hope, along my way.., that our road would meet again.., someday.
And there, we would happily going through this journey together - shoulder to shoulder.
Laughing at all bad memories. Keep singing and humming the same song. Act like nothing ever happen. 
 

Hey. You know what? while googling earlier, I also found this;

Is it a good sign? :)

reflect before be refracted.

i am Fantaghirò.

no no no you missed the point. not the beautiful part.

but the impatient, cruel, rebellious, disobedient.

sometimes i am tough enough.

sometimes i get weak. i get stuck. and i get lost.

but that doesn't really matter

'cause i live with my determination and courage.

i follow my instinct which makes me never be alone.

but then i see, my arrogant has stop people from loving me.

once again. i apologize.

met your other half, huh?

you can say what you want
but what do you want to say is nothing.

not reply any of my messages on cell phone

not pick up my call

pick up my call and say no words

ignore my private message on facebook.
that is not cool, stranger. terribly not cool.

i understand if you want no more conversations.

all rough and rude the way i am...........

i want a Jeep. and Ajib (my chum) ahaha..

nothing to say. my life is at its best. even i don't always have what i want, i  have what i need. because all need in this world is my parents.

mind the difference between in this world and in my life. when i say in this world, it means in this small, temporary world. of course i need god, religion, bla bla bla uh do you need a checklist? i hate miscommunication. i hate misunderstanding. i hate it when i say 'b' and people understand as 'd'. it's miles worse if they turn it upside down and see as 'p'. people scolded me for being act (as they said) and told me to afraid of god when i said i'm not afraid of anything. i told them, i never know god is a 'thing'. some people might be born to muddy the water, i guess. i hate it. i bet not one living soul could stand it. 

i'm not angry. i'm just a bird. i am free. ahahahahaha [?]

shall i call you 'mate' anymore?

people tell me to end the fright that clog me.

what more you worry about, you don't have a dream about her anymore.

yes that is what scares me so. i used to had a dream about her almost every single night. i'm afraid i don't even miss her. probably not love too. the mood all changed. i wonder whether we can be good friends like we used to, or so it seems. it's too paradoxical to say that i don't care about her no more while i'm still thinking of her.

i watch her sometimes wandering in the rain. i guess she just hide her tears. but her spirit is still as red as strawberries. that means she's alright anyway.

or so i wish.

perkara yang paling sukar mungkin sahaja melepaskan perkara lepas yang paling sukar.

aku letak jari kelingking sebelah kiri pada permukaan kekunci berlabel 'A', jari hantu sebelah kanan pada 'K', dan bersedia untuk meletakkan jari telunjuk sebelah kanan pada 'U'. aku cuba taip. ok aku berjaya. tapi cuma perkataan 'aku'. aku...aku...aku... aku genggam kedua-dua belah tangan dan meletakkan genggaman sebelah kiri di atas meja dengan genggaman sebelah kanan di atasnya. aku letak dahi aku atas dua genggaman tersebut sambil pejam mata. bibir aku, aku gerak-gerakkan mengikut lagu The Hardest Part nyanyian Coldplay. 

...and the hardest part was letting go, not taking part...

Media Player Classic Home Cinema terus memainkan muzik-muzik Coldplay dan aku terus cuba ikut menyanyi lagu The Scientist.

...come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry...

...tell you i set you apart...

...oh let's go back to the start...

...nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
oh, take me back to the start...

...don't speak as loud as my heart
and tell me you love me, come back and haunt me...

aku berhenti sampai tell me you love me. itu aku lama dahulu. lama sebelum rasa bersalah duduk dalam hati aku dan membakar hati aku macam asid. aku tarik nafas dalam-dalam. aku lepaskan. aku lepaskan bersama-sama ingatan peristiwa-peristiwa lampau yang gelap dan segumpal harapan aku yang tak rasional. aku tak lagi mengharapkan rasa sayangnya. apa yang aku harapkan adalah lebih besar dan jauh lebih berat daripada itu.

sebuah kemaafan.

aku rasa aku dan kau berbeza.

aku tak pernah beri apa-apa pada kau melainkan

keburukan dan kesusahan.

maafkan aku.

lemas sepuluh meter di dasar laut waktu.

dua puluh tujuh darjah celcius. malam legam. fail-fail muzik Enigma aku ketik. aku tala Sonic Gear. bunyi titisan air hujan bersama rhythm dan dram semacam suatu simfoni melankolik. entah perasaan apa yang membuatkan aku mahu membaca penulisan-penulisan lama dalam laman Aku Di Dalam Bekas Yang Kosong.  

*****************************************************

Ada perkara yang patut aku ubah untuk baiki diri ini...aku mahu jadi baik...aku mahu jadi baik...aku mahu jadi baik...

kalau aku dapat berubah...aku rela jadi seorang manusia yang skema...

bebas dari fikiran jahat....

jauh dari fikiran kotor...

terlepas dari kehidupan yang gelap...

MAAF...AKU BUKAN SEMPURNA...

*****************************************************

dia dua individu yang berbeza sepanjang aku kenal. seorang periang dan murung. aku kenal luar dalam dia. atau setidak-tidaknya itu yang boleh aku cakapkan. kalau waktu datang dalam dua siri, aku mahu humban jauh-jauh ke laut dalam siri yang pertama. siri sisi gelap. aku mahu satu kali lagi peluang. namun, akhirnya aku yang terhumban. aku yang karam. waktu telah bawa dia pergi jauh. aku yang termangu-mangu berfikir kenapa aku masih berada di titik yang sama padahal sudah lelah aku berlari.

gemar boleh mengakibatkan geram. juga boleh dikelirukan olehnya.

hari ini hari terakhir dalam minggu keempat aku berada ni SK LKTP Tersang 1. bermakna sudah satu purnama aku menyelami kehidupan sebagai guru di sekolah felda. mendidik anak-anak felda. hari pertama aku masuk ke kelas, murid-murid itu aku suruh mereka perkenalkan diri masing-masing di hadapan kelas. aku suruh mereka nyatakan nama penuh, nama panggilan, dan warna kegemaran masing-masing.

murid  |  warna kegeraman saya...ialah......

guru  |  apa yang awak geram sangat dengan warna tu? 

she ate capitalism all day.

You wanted to buy me 

For a hundred Euro 

You said you'd take me 

To your little car 

Your friend lived near by 

He had a house and all 

Where was I from, you said 

You guessed Yugoslavia 

Well it's not Yugoslavia 

It's not Yugoslavia at all 

It reminded me 

Of a movie I just saw 

About a little girl 

From Yugoslavia 

She got sent away 

They made her prostitute 

She ate McDonald's all day 

And never had a chance to play 

Lyla...Lyla...Lyla...

You wanted to buy me 

For a hundred Euro 

You said you'd take me 

To your little car 

Your friend lived near by 

He had a house and all 

Where was I from, you said 

You guessed Yugoslavia 

But it's not Yugoslavia 

It's hardly Yugoslavia at all 

Lyla...Lyla...Lyla...

she ate capitalism all day. capitalism was just her potato chips that she ate everyday whether she liked it or not. but of course, no sane man would like it. i used to eat the unfairness, curse, hatred just like rice. at home. oh wait, it wasn't really a home. it was just a house.

wise men say, blood is thicker than water. i don't agree. well, i'm not a scientist, you see. i don't read the same types of books like scientists do. i read my own experiences. that is why i don't agree. i've tried and i know i can't.

you people, life must go on though you have to drink your own tears and blood just to survive. you can question. as much as you want. but nobody can promise you there is an answer. so, stop questioning. love yourself.

p/s :

Song : Lyla

Artist : CocoRosie

1st photo : Asiah

2nd & 3rd photos : Google

bluer than the evening sky.

the sun is setting down. it's getting dark. but there's still a long way to go. i want to go home to my mother. for my heart is blue. bluer than robins egg. bluer than the evening sky. 

i took the road not taken. so now i am lost. i've lost my place in you. i have lost myself and you. but the only thing you've lost is time. you go wherever your artworks bring you. i go wherever my legs bring me. i don't know where am i going. i don't even know what am i doing or what to do. 

o' stars, show me thyself tonight. 

o' stars, i am lost in the dark.

o' stars, take me back to where i'm from.

or am i too late to turn back now?

p/s : i had a dream that you speak japanese with your chum. you're not going to japan, are you? 

dear writers,

i do not own this photograph nor am i the artist but you could tell me why did i post this, couldn't you? because you do too. to the ones who be the main subjects of my lousy writings, you'll never know how much i love you. to the one who wrote me back, come what may and i still love you. i've never been quite satisfied about what had happened between us but i agree not to mention it again. to the ones who still write, keep write.

to The Only One who wrote the story of my life, i think i supposed to be more thankful for that.

Do you feel me?

It's not that I don't care anymore. It's just.., perhaps I prefer being invisible..  

Have faith and BE STRONG!

i think i've been behaving badly to you since.....

since past four years. since.. since i moved to kuala lipis. since my mother told me that... that you... that... that... that she prefers... that...

how am i going to say if both say and not to say may be the ruin of us both! :(

dua kuasa satu itu bererti dua individu yang berkongsi satu laman.

saya tak tahu di mana dia berada sekarang. saya fikir, dia juga tidak tahu. perasaan marahnya terhadap saya telah bawa dia pergi. entah ke barat, entah ke timur. mungkin boleh saya gambarkan perasaan marahnya itu berupa belon panas. ya, panas. dia naik ke dalam bakul belon tersebut sebelum belon itu terbang entah ke mana-mana. tubuhnya ada. adakalanya, tubuhnya bertandang ke bilik saya di kolej kediaman. namun, jiwanya sudah lari; menaiki belon panas tersebut. kalau kamu jumpa, tolong kaitkan belon panas tersebut dan tambat pada mana-mana pokok. jangan lupa siram api belon tersebut dengan air kopi dan tolong jagakan jiwanya itu untuk sementara. nanti saya datang jemput dia. boleh saya minta tolong pada kamu? bukan apa...polis tak akan layan laporan saya yang merepek ni.

between give up and had enough.

entri ini dikarang pada 25 mei 2011. benarkah penulis yang telah mengarangnya?

kawan 1 : aku hormat orang yang hormat aku.

kawan 2 : aku hormat orang yang tahu hormat orang tuanya.

kawan 3 : aku hormat orang yang bagus-bagus.

aku : aku hormat orang yang sedar apa perlu dibuat setelah dihormati.

p/s : entri yang songsang dengan mood semasa penulis. sedang mencari ketenangan. mungkin saja ada di celah-celah cirrocumulus. ah! biarkan. biarkan dia serap dan terus larut dalam cirrocumulus. nanti malam kalau hujan turun, boleh juga aku dapat barang seteguk dua jus ketenangan tu, siapa tahu..

wake up.

yesterday, i posted an entry. i woke up in this morning to post another one but i got the date of the last entry has changed to 19th october 2012. i think i really 'woke up' that it has been 40 days since i left this page.

or 40 days are just equal to a day for a loyal lover, i may say.

i grabbed my mobile cell phone by my shaky hand and i pressed four letters followed by a suspension point.

me : dear...

he : don't call me 'dear'.

me : i had a terrifying dream that you will be marry soon...how terribly sad it was...

he : how do you know?

me : 'how do you know'?? is it true?

he : maybe next year.

i closed my eyes back in hope it was just a dream. in hope i can go back to that dream to change everything according to me. but the warm liquid kept falling down whispered to me "wake up, big girl..."

i guess he has this device built on his heart.